The Five Weirdest Actual Former Olympics Events

The Olympics are almost upon us, and I for one can hardly wait.  The pageantry!  The athleticism!  The allegations of steroid use! Nowadays Olympians train for years just to qualify to compete, but it wasn’t always this way…

In the first instances of the modern Olympics, competitors got out of bed, and decided to sign up.  Good thing they didn’t waste their time training, because the events they took part in, could hardly be considered athletic by today’s standards.  We’ve compiled a list of the top fire weirdest former Olympics events, and why they should be brought back in 2016.

Pigeon Shooting

Apparently pigeons weren’t always the beloved creatures they are today.  Who doesn’t love seeing two rats with wings fighting over a French fry in a parking lot?  Apparently the French were not fans, because they created this event for the 1900 Paris Olympics.  It’s pretty straight forward.  Grab a gun, and shoot as many pigeons as you can.  They should bring this back in 2016 just for the pure horror of it.  Just imagine the HD cameras of today capturing the carnage of hundreds of pigeons being shot out of the sky; the blood, the feathers, the bird feces.  Though admittedly, the spectacle of pigeon shooting on live television probably wouldn’t be worth the wrath of thousands of angry PETA members.

Firefighting

This happened at the Paris Olympics of 1900, during which I’m assuming they set an unsuspecting village on fire, and just hoped for the best.  I’m not sure if they awarded points for the most women and children saved from the burning buildings or not.  Though, I think they should show some love to the firefighters in Colorado and bring this back for 2016.  They’re well versed, and could probably bring home the gold.

Poodle Clipping

Have you ever tried to give your dog a haircut at home?  It never goes well.  The dog is growling, biting, crying, you’re trying to figure out how to work the electric shears you just brought home from the pet store.  Either you or the dog will end up bleeding.  It’s not pretty.  That’s why it’s so peculiar that this was once an event in which competitors had two hours to shave as many poodles as possible.  I’d like to see this brought back, but with a twist.  How about competitors try to bathe as many Bengal tigers as they can without sustaining any life threatening injuries?  I would watch that.  Plus they could use the footage for a very special “When Animals Attack.”

Tug of War

I don’t think I have to explain the simplicity of this event to anyone who’s been to a family reunion or church picnic during the last twenty years.  But who knew that this could ever be considered a show of athleticism?  If that’s the case they should think about bringing events such as, trampoline jumping, three-legged races, and tether-ball to the Olympics.  I for one would like to see Michael Phelps awarded the bronze medal for playing popcorn on the trampoline.

Solo Synchronized Swimming

If this event’s title seems like a complete contradiction, that’s only because it is.  If it were honestly titled, it would be “Sad Lady Swims Alone In Sync with Bad Eighties Music”.  Instead of swimming with a team to a choreographed number, swimmers would swim in sync to music.  So basically it’s like a water aerobics class for the elderly, gone horribly wrong, and then televised.  I don’t even need to justify the reasons why this needs to make a comeback.  Only these times instead of wearing swimsuits made for the orthopedic, put the girl in a two piece, and make it a glorified wet t-shirt contest.  That’s what we in the business call ratings gold.